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Cindy Shebley CC To Do List at Your Brother’s Grave
7. Think back to your young, teen-brother’s shy smile or his open mouth laughter. Think about his mischievous brown eyes, or his shiny cowboy belt buckle. Try to believe he was happy that day--especially when he snuck onto the back of one of the Clydesdale horses (used earlier to pull the wagon of guests across the river) and wandered off with his little cousin on the back. 8. Clear the dirty stuffed dog, cherub statue, and silk flowers from the head of his burial spot. 9. Sweep the small, white quartz stones off the top of the dirt with your hand. 10. (Perfect the ground.) 11. Ask your living brother David to carry the gravestone from the car to the plot. The granite is heavy, but he is tall and strong. 12. Dig three inches down with a shovel so his new 16” x 10” x 2” granite gravestone will settle into the hard earth. 13. Tell your little brother out loud you are sorry you couldn’t afford a bigger stone. 14. Help David set the heavy slab into the clay soil and try to make it look like this stone has been here as long as your little brother has: 22 years. 15. Make sure not to disturb the rough, jagged rock that your mom’s husband carved with “Mike.” Your stone is not meant to replace his stone. It is meant as an affirmation of his full name: Charles Michael Trujillo. It is meant to reveal his birth and death dates (1979 – 1993) so the creators of the graveyard website know he is not just “?, Mike” and he is not a “baby” just because people leave him stuffed animals. You need them to know he is perpetually a teenager, a boy halted by his own hand as he was blossoming into a man. 16. Gather the weight of things not said. 17. Place that weight on the foot of his grave. 18. Acknowledge you didn’t know how unhappy your mom’s wedding made your brother until you saw him crying behind a truck-sized boulder after the ceremony. Someone told you later that he didn’t want his mom married to anyone but his father. But you never asked him yourself. 19. Admit how powerless you felt when you saw a woman you didn’t know put her arms around him. She seemed to already know why he was sad. He leaned into her. 20. Make excuses why you, the big sister, didn’t comfort him instead: a. You lived hours away in Denver. b. Your mother disowned you often. Sometimes one or two years went by without contact. You never wanted to be away for so long. c. You felt so disconnected from his life and too absorbed in your own. 21. Be honest. (That was the year you did a lot of coke.) 22. Say out loud the things you should have said that day: a. Are you okay? b. Can I hold you? c. Tell me what hurts. 23. Disconnect the images of his death from images of his life. Try to remember his long, dark lashes or the smell of his sweet, earthy breath or the way he giggled when he was being playful or naughty. 24. Hope your mother doesn’t know you’re the one who laid this stone. You wouldn’t want her taking it away out of spite. 25. Place the weight of his life down at the foot of the grave. One pound for every year: Fourteen pounds. 26. Sit down next to the headstone and try not to replay that last day of the wedding over and over in your head. 27. Read aloud the poem you wrote and had engraved on the stone. With a clean cloth, polish away the earth. 29. Now stand and wipe the clay from your hands.
29. Notice the lightness in your arms and breathe in the sage, and the clay earth, and let this land live inside you. After “Things To Do Today” by Joe Wenderoth A Colorado native, Cathy A. E. Bell now calls North Carolina home. She works at Appalachian State University’s Hickory campus as an academic coach and instructor and coordinates the Student Learning Center, where students receive tutoring support. Her writing has appeared in The Rumpus, Hippocampus Magazine, and Full Grown People. She shares her life with her husband, beloved fur babies, and many flower gardens. A visual artist and writer, she believes art saves lives. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation.
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1/31/2026 0 Comments Bordo by Linda Michel-CassidyCindy Shebley CC
Bordo We drove to Marfa because there was no snow. This is the way it’s been getting. Dryer and hotter. To distract ourselves, we go to see some Big Art. A guy in a tiny art store/gallery tells us where to go for important sandwiches. Let me be perfectly clear: I have known some sandwiches in my day. A poet I admire was at the next table and I did my best not to be a menace. The place had some curious soda flavors like cardamon and lavender, and the poet and I nodded to each other, hoisting our drinks like champagne, toasting this small good luck. Linda Michel-Cassidy’s story collection, When We Were Hardcore (EastOver, 2025) was named to the PEN/Robert W. Bingham Award for debut story collection longlist. Michel-Cassidy’s writing has appeared in The New Orleans Review, The Rumpus, Electric Lit, Tahoma Review, December, Catamaran, and elsewhere. She is senior reviews and hybrid/collaboration editor at Tupelo Quarterly. Michel-Cassidy lives on a houseboat and is a novice open-water swimmer. lmichelcassidy.com Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 0 Comments Poetry by Lynn TaitCindy Shebley CC
As My Mother Lay Dying I was brick and mortar. Immovable. The give and take like a swing-- its once soft-shelled seat aged into hardwood, the chains fused tight—rough and rusted. I eroded and broke away-- a granite coastline calving into the sea. I was not kind. Which childhood memory felt the sorrow of betrayal the most, as trust fell apart in my hands? In my own flash flood of motherhood tides pulled me away from her salt and rock. I swam back to a different shoreline, found bodies of warm water calling my name, dove into a lake of storytelling and song, swam through sloppy waves of tears and laughter no longer drowning in isolation, or choking on the heartache of my own childhood. I knew love. I was kind. No longer just a daughter but wife and mother. And I shone. Slipping out of her grasp broke her into pieces. Hardtack memories crumbled-- and as the grit of time laboured on, watched her death clock as if waiting for the final night-shift at a dead-end job-- relieved when the final whistle blew. Lynn Tait is a poet/photographer residing in Sarnia, ON., land of the Aamjiwnaang First Nations. She is the author of You Break It You Buy It (Guernica Editions 2023) available in Canada, the US and the UK. Poems have been published in Prairie Fire, FreeFall, Windsor Review, Vallum, CV 2, Literary Review of Canada, Anti-Heroin Chic, Muleskinner, Up the Staircase Quarterly and in over 100 North American anthologies. She’s a member of The Ontario Poetry Society, the League of Canadian Poets, The Writers Union of Canada and Not The Rodeo Poets. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 0 Comments Poetry by Ellen Austin-LiCindy Shebley CC
Hawthorn Hawthorn, the ogham letter H, huathe. The Hawthorn or Whitethorn tree is known as a Fairy Tree, and is still considered to be a gateway between this world and the Otherworld, the realm of the Sidhe. - Ogham.academy Must have grown from a bird- dropped seed, the gnarled and scrubby bush with two-inch-long thorns that appeared last spring near my peonies. Thwarted hands stabbed each time I grabbed branches to cut it back. Blood sprung. Could be native to Ohio, depending on the variety. I muse as I pace the labyrinth in Kentucky. In the Cedars of Peace silent retreat area, the mulch beneath my feet is shredded cedar bark. November. I bend to the dark-spotted green leaves, a three-tongued cluster, woodland Winter Orchid, Tipularia Discolor, or Cranefly Orchid. Woodpeckers percuss in the distance, echo in silence. Everything is connected. Ancient Celts named the hawthorn the faery tree—it’s said misfortune comes to those who chop it down. Another psychic protector, bringer of spiritual growth and love, say the ancients. Hawthorn growing near my side door back home. With each step closer to the center, the path moves farther away. Eventually, I will reach the heart. The unseen mirror of the seen. The Call of the Wild I’m standing atop the picnic table in the yard at Nana’s farm, safe from my cousins’ dog. My brothers and sisters floating around, another Sunday like every other. The dog may be a wolf that will tear me apart if I get on the grass. Baby-blue sky, late summer. I am sleeveless and in shorts. My cousins and siblings laugh and tease, but cousin Billy kindly reassures that his German Shepherd will not hurt me. I am less than ten and have been reading Jack London’s The Call of the Wild. I am consumed by wolves. The air reeks of cow manure, to which my mother always declares: fresh air. The white clapboard farmhouse is to my right, the main barn behind us. I hear cows mooing from the far pasture, and nearby corn rustling when the wind picks up. Cousin Danny offers to take us to the barn to swing from the hayloft. I follow the gang as soon as the dog trots away. Nana’s collie, Fuzzy, doesn’t terrorize me like Spitz does. I can’t recall the German Shepherd’s name, but “Spitz” pops into my brain. It’s the way his eyes drill into mine when I look at him. I jump down and run into the barn, eyes adjusting to the low light after coming inside from the sun. The sharp tang of dry hay tickles my nose. Dust motes float in the stripe of sunlight from the cracked-open barn door. Rectangular haystacks surround the ground floor, a mound of unbound straw in the center. A rope hangs from the rafters, close to the loft’s ladder. We take turns climbing, holding the rope swing, letting go, howling into the dark. We are a regular pack of wolves. Ellen Austin-Li's collection, Incidental Pollen, is the runner-up to Madville Publishing’s Arthur Smith Poetry Prize. Finishing Line Press published chapbooks Firefly and Lockdown: Scenes from Early in the Pandemic. Ellen is a Best of the Net & Pushcart nominee, whose work appears in SWIMM, Salamander, The Maine Review, Lily Poetry Review, One Art, and more. SAFTA supported her work. She holds an MFA from the Solstice program. Ellen hosts Poetry at Artifact in Cincinnati, where she lives. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 0 Comments Poetry by Kim BackalenickCindy Shebley CC
100 Ways to Die When night bore down like wild horses you rode its back to dark and distant corners. Disappeared into buildings and other places you would forget. Tell me months later how much you loved the disappearing. That world took you. Held you under. Forgot your name. Street corners edged in broken bottled vacant stares. Subway station strangers. Drugs you could not name. Backseat unlit knife. I used to think there were so many ways you might die. You only need one. Kim Backalenick has been published in Train River Anthologies, Juste Milieu Zine, Nightingale and Sparrow, and Jaden Magazine. In addition, she is active in her local creative community, participating in readings at galleries, fund raisers, and open mics. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 4 Comments Poetry by Nancy HuggettCindy Shebley CC
Step One (of the Twelve), 1985 In a field outside Crookston, Minnesota, my brother, me. The wideness of indigo sky—a rusty darkness like a half-ton truck parked under a spark of stars at night. Me, the oldest, he against his will and angry. The scar on his skull pulsing with every fuck you he flings into the field. Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck Mom. Fuck Dad. Fuck rehab. Fuck them. Fuck lunch. Fuck dinner. Fuck every step. All 12. Fuck. You. When a flying thing with feathers lands on my left shoulder, brushes her soft wings across my mouth, shushes me so I will listen to the hiss of heat from my brother’s mouth, the red hot stone of his loaded heart, the need napalming through his veins as he paces a path in the tallgrass. The feathered thing then turns my head toward the horizon where I can see the fire creeping through the prairie. Massage I’ve come to lift the weight, I say, my shoulders tense from carrying. No injured parts. Just this frictive life-- worries fraying my telomeres, unravelling my being. She anoints, pours oil, pushes her probing thumbs along the muscles that line my spine. Presses hot spots, trigger points—my knots persistent fists of endurance. She kneads the too-stiff dough of me, unwinding fascia, time, that ancient wound. She releases rhomboids, trapezius. Unpacks the scapula. We both startle at the snap. Tight-packed wings a burst of feathers choking this small dim room. First—pulse then lift thrust flight. Nancy Huggett is a settler descendant who writes and caregives on the unceded Territory of the Anishinaabe Algonquin Nation (Ottawa, Canada). Published in Event, Poetry Northwest, SWIMM, and Whale Road Review, she’s won some awards (RBC PEN Canada 2024 New Voices Award) and a gazillion rejections. She keeps writing. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 1 Comment Poetry by Kelly R. SamuelsGerry Dincher CC
As Lethe, Daughter of Eris, Speaking of the River Come Evening I drove the river road north. It was not leisurely. Everywhere: yellow leaves kicking up. The wind was fierce and dry. I thought the haze must be from distant wildfires but it was the fields, drier, shedding their topsoil. When I stopped, briefly, there was a Great Clips, a Papa Murphy’s, Nails! Nails! Nails! An old Kmart converted into KO Storage: climate controlled. Clean. Safe. Secure. I sat with chocolate and potable water and pondered the water I had traveled alongside—metallic blue, choppy, widening into a lake with its sailboats sail-less. Back when you prompted wars I did my nails in that same blue. I almost forgot you were once, before me, of here, where I now rest beside the river come evening. The light isn’t what it will be, every- thing bleached out, like those photographs of the other lake—the one we lived by in a trailer, poor, thinking on marigolds. But, it will come and I will settle in. I am not near the maximum depth down by the delta where there is confluence of a different salty nature. And yet, it appears deep. Don’t worry. Though I know you won’t, having gone the way of thousands of years ago. I am talking to what little remains: there in the corner, where stone meets the mineral. Discussing Dysthymia, as Lethe, Daughter of Eris Afternoons when no one texts I circle the block wearing my dulled rhine- stones. They tend to lift my low spirits, slightly. They jog the memory of happier days, though I have to think long and hard on when exactly those were. Thousands of years ago we came to drink. It was required. And I suppose I have to own all of it: this namesake, these relinquishments in order to carry on. Get a move on you would say, standing in the door- way, lecturing on the uselessness of moping. Vague, as yet not understood despondency was not permitted, especially when the sun shone in winter. So what, what they say? Or how they tend to avoid. I try and walk it off with these pieces of glass that fool no one and catch the light only half-heartedly. As Lethe, Daughter of Eris, Speaking of the River Early Morning In the morning there are gulls. They crowd the lock. Some skim the water farther downriver where I have stationed myself just before sunrise. Everything looks a bit weathered: the driftwood pale and dry, contorted on the shore. I cannot quite orient myself. I think what is another state is, in fact, not another state but only more of the same, and the hill she spoke of is lost to me. Gestures: an arm flung out to suggest direction. You flung the apple. I could never have done. Later you stood in front of the classroom, chalk in hand, lecturing on integers—those things complete in themselves. Now it is getting lighter and the moon is less like a coin and more like a wafer. The early risers walk by, cheery. They swing their arms as if they know exactly where they are going. I will drive south, back down the river road soon. All the trees will still be disappointing, having either already flared or relinquished themselves to the sudden hard frost followed by warming. I think the water will be less of metal and the black hat I wear now tossed off. Behind me: the tall grasses blaze, suddenly. Kelly R. Samuels is the author of two poetry collections and five chapbooks—the most recent Oblivescence, a finalist for the Edna Meudt Poetry Book Award (Red Sweater Press, 2024), and The Sailing Place (Bottlecap Press, 2026.) She is a Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominee with work recently appearing in Denver Quarterly, Laurel Review, and The Glacier. She lives in the Upper Midwest. Find her here: https://www.krsamuels.com/ Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/31/2026 0 Comments Poetry by Jessica WhippleKatherine Squire CC
Free Couch She wants to be remembered. This is not a feeling that is noticeable on the stiff fabric of her face. Write a poem about what you know, someone says, like how there are rivers, but she has only seen the small ones. That is okay. Be the thing, someone says, that we all sit on, it is asked of her in a dream where she is not allowed to answer. That is okay. There was a time when nobody used to say, your mother has always had legs like that. She never expected to always hoped to use such a sentence. Now it is the only kind of sentence she knows. She was cigarette skinny. She is now-slouched cushions. To be loved is to be defeated gently. She has held heavy. She has stood still. She has leapt out of cars. Jessica Whipple is a poet and author of two children's picture books: Enough Is... (Tilbury House 2023, illust. Nicole Wong) and I Think I Think a Lot (Free Spirit Publishing 2023, illust. by Josée Bisaillon). Her work for adults has appeared in print and online literary magazines, most recently Philadelphia Stories, ONE ART, McSweeney's, and Gastronomica: The Journal of Food Studies. "Splinters," appearing in Door Is a Jar, received a Best of the Net and a Pushcart nomination. She lives in PA and inhabits the places where picture books and poetry intersect. Find her online @JessicaWhippl17. Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/30/2026 2 Comments Editor's RemarksDerek Σωκράτη CC
"Wherever there's a lighthouse, there's a light that saves It goes without saying, but say it anyway" - Mary Chapin Carpenter It feels good to be back in this place. Shared, common ground. Sometimes you gotta take a temporary detour to return home to yourself. That's my story. Maybe it's yours, too. This is what I know, we can be awfully cruel to ourselves, and it can feel sickly safe to wield that weapon turned inward. As write this, I celebrate six months in recovery. My heart is a wailer. Heavy. Pumping blood. Live, it says, just a little bit harder if you have to. Because you have to. Hope may be elusive, and ever on the move, but I'm staying on its trail. All my life all I wanted was to be whole. Not broken, not ill-fitting in this body I carry around like a bag of ancestral trauma-stones, not shell shocked from a childhood war I was drafted into straight outta the womb, not... me. But I am me. And there is no whole. I sorta feel the way Jon Dee Graham feels about it: "not beautifully broken, just broken, that's all." But that's not all. There's beauty in the break, but it don't sit pretty in us. It can be hard to locate some days. But there are days. Hours. Minutes. I reckon one reason we create is to try and put our feelers on it. That fracture of light pouring in through the crack in us. It's daunting: to not be whole but to work with the pieces we've been given. And to make those pieces shine. I remember this moment in rehab, a life time ago, when I first made contact with the inner child in me. It took the form of a crumpled teddy bear on the floor. We had been asked to pick stuffed animals out of a closet to represent our inner child. For weeks I refused to indulge what I determined was hippy nonsense. So every day, when I got to group, I would just sorta toss my floppy eared bear to the ground beside my chair. I don't know what it was, how it happened, but one day I looked down and saw that bear laid out on the floor by the wall and I saw... little-me, a kid convinced they might actually die at the hands of their own parents. And not an entirely unfounded fear at that. I thought, goddamn, they look so scared and all alone in the world. When I say I wept, I wept. No, I wailed. "Why don't you pick them up," one of the counselors asked. My hands were shaking, my chest heaving. I didn't quite have the language for it yet, but I was being asked in that moment to be a parent to myself. I'm telling you this because that's the pain we try to remove in ways that only add more pain. That's what addiction is. The why and how of it. Life asks us to pick the thing up. Look it in the eye. Take better care than was taken with us. "Fight when you need to fight, but don't turn the weapon on yourself," someone once told me. I am so good at self harm, but self love, it's a muscle I must fight to work every single day. Most of us didn't get exactly what we needed. And there's some truth to "not beautifully broken, just broken." It's painful to have lived through what we've lived through. What was done to us. It was so unfair. We didn't stand a fighting chance. But maybe we do now. That's the rub. We were given bad information about ourselves, and the world. There's a lot to learn and unlearn. Terrible things happen, but grace-points do silver through like ineffable moments of unnameable beauty. I can name a moment. Once I saw a parent on a train console their angry child by asking them "what are you feeling right now, kiddo? It's ok, whatever it is, just let's talk about it." Just let's talk about it. Damn. Ok. That's it. What most of us needed was to just be able to talk about it. Our insides. The burning. And that's what we're doing here. Giving the shame we've for so long carried a proper measure compared to the deserving of self, and other-love that we are each worthy of. Pain doesn't go away, it just takes a more realistic seat at the table. There are others. Joy. Laughter. Innocence. Anger. Beauty. Fear. Hope. Comfort. Prayer. Doubt. Frustration. Agony. Bliss. "When I was a little boy," writes Michael Eigen, "I remember seeing a tree. Half of it was withered and dead and the other half was blooming. Then I realized that one could be dead and very much alive, concurrently. We are not monolithic, and can experience vitality and life on certain levels and on others total deadness." "Sometimes we hide ourselves to survive." he continues. "To make pain go away we simply make ourselves go away." And to make life return we must find a way back home to ourselves. The long way home. Partnering with the pain, we try our hand at a different story. It's something, ain't it, that we can die and come back more alive. Addiction, self-escape, is an attempt to freeze time and pain, but time is pain and pain is the deal. What can we do with it that helps lessen the blows of life? This is it right here, a tiny part of what we can do. Art consoles, at least to me it does, the voiceless, alone, terrified parts of ourselves. It's a window we open onto the world, and the world is what we have. And each other. Heart speaking to heart. Take up my hand. This is rough country. Rough road. Even so. There might be snow heavy on the tundra of our lives, but there's also a fierce heat in our hearts. Love is a muscle, pain the road we travel to break out into a thousand points of light. If it were easier it wouldn't come out singing. And shining. Until we meet again, friends. Tend to the fire in you that lives on, even if only as a smoldering ember that the slightest breath can reignite. Fight. Just not yourself. I am learning it is worth it. I am. You are. In love, service, and solidarity, James Diaz, EIC Anti-Heroin Chic Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. 1/30/2026 0 Comments Issue 37 / February 2026Cover art: "Don't Call Me By My Old Name" by James Diaz
(Issues are best read on a laptop. If reading via cell phone formatting will be lost.) Editor's Remarks: James Diaz Poetry: Claire Maracle Sarah Morris Shux Morgan Matchuny Nicole Dalcourt Megan Merchant Iain Grinbergs Valentina Gnup Noel Sikorski Ann E. Michael LeeAnn Pickrell Derek Thomas Dew Amanda J. Bradley Sarai Nichole Lyndsie Conklin Sherry Abaldo Sara Eddy Marianne Worthington Katherine Boecher Jenna Wysong Filbrun Lisa Seidenberg Emily Alice Spivey Angela Sucich Luther Jett Kimberly McElhatten Camille Lebel Kyla Houbolt Katherine Schmidt John T. Leonard Johannah Simon Nathalie Kuroiwa-Lewis Josie Peterson Holly Hunt Cat Dixon Cordula Plassmann Jennifer Browne Hannah Behrens Jean Voneman Mikhail Sarah Wetzel Amorak Huey Tula Francesca Rachel Neve-Midbar Elsa Valmidiano Lucy Coats Beth Kanell Naa Asheley Ashitey John Gallaher Breana Kruithoff Donald Sellitti Merna Dyer Skinner John Sweet Kelly White Arnold Andrew Ray Williams Diane Funston Jessica Whipple Kelly R. Samuels Ellen Austin-Li Nancy Huggett Kim Backalenick Lynn Tait Essays: Josie Peterson Cathy A. E. Bell Paz Holly Hunt Diana Rojas Jessica D. Thompson Camille Lewis Fiction: Roxanne Doty Nikki Blakely Jeff Kass Guy Biederman Elizabeth Rosen Bill Merklee Tamar Gribetz Kip Knott Linda Michel-Cassidy Artwork/Photography: Lisa Gordillo Oormila Vijayakrishnan Prahlad Sandy Beach Julia Biggs Mollye Miller Gary Barwin Lois Perch Villemaire Susan Barry-Schulz Keilan Colville Janette Schafer Music: Martha Reich Anti-Heroin Chic is a sponsored project of Indolent Arts, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit fiscal sponsor. Please consider making a one-time tax-deductible donation. |
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