If I were on Wheel of Fortune by Rob Kaniuk

If I were on Wheel of Fortune

Sajak would stop me
halfway through the part
where contestants tell
their best stories

I’d get to where
we ripped out the cameras 
and took the dvr
so they couldn’t even
look at the tape 

Sajak would grab at his tie
like he’s overheating 
and I’d know he wasn’t feeling it

then I’d start the one
where I wake up
in a cell
drenched in sweat 
in need of a private hoop
to spray my dopesick 

and he’d ask 
if I had one about 
being in a bridge club 
or some shit

do I look
like I play bridge, 
Pat?

wait, I say
wanna hear
about the time
I was molested?
then they play 
that Bankrupt sound

​

Rob Kaniuk has been described as a junkie, a dropout, and a common scoundrel. He is the CNF editor at Schuylkill Valley Journal and his work can be found in various online journals and in the skyline of Philadelphia, where he’s employed as a union carpenter.