I'm still considering by Ruby McCann

I’m still considering
    
beginnings..,

…so pleased to hear you
I like bright and dark sounds 
that saxophone      screams
something lonesome

I’m new here
re-new-ed     been before
was born here     re-turn-er
it’s like locking a woman in a room 
with an angry man 

feels alright       now
in this moment…
…he’s on the right side of angry
lonely won’t leave him alone
and this place stinks to high heavens
doesn’t that tell you something?

don’t know what’s ahead
I’ve lost my sea legs
yes      the ocean      I’m here
at the Firth of Clyde 
flowing into the Atlantic
to you      my dear friend
on the other side
its daunting sometimes
the vast infinite width
and depth      the divide 

other times
it un-anchors me
takes me down deep within
a-minor tsunami at low tide

calms too      calming yes 
yes      calm as the day 
Icarus fell chasing dreams

was he fallen?      did he fall?
smashed against a rock
I heard      seas
unpredictable like that
a sudden change in weather
raging surfs slap like angry parents     
my mother     once      
not my father      shocked me 
she cried afterwards    empty-eyed 
like a ghost in the kitchen

me too      silently 
alone in the bathroom
knowing      I deserved it 

I know these are small things
just coasting      not just
still there are days I feel I can’t be fussed
I know I need to re-adjust 
re-learn to trust 
get real      or completely combust
then I turn like tides

today the flow can’t wait
cause it’s so good to hear from you 
whitecaps rolling in
my lips curling     a-drifting smile
softening      splaying 
foaming high-pitched 
strains on that horn      whispering
                        
                                                                    s’bin too long
  
I catch you on the high note
I’m switched on   enriched
screaming staccato      you got me bewitched 
releasing water keys 
it’s been a long session 
sliding cross rhythms      
my trans-Atlantic connection  

​

Ruby McCann is a flâneuse and creative practitioner experimenting across genres and disciplines active on the Glasgow literary scene.  A former Chair of the Scottish Writers’ Centre (2014-2017), she is a founding member of Cheeky Besom Productions, an Artist Collective hosting the Glasgow Literary Lounge in the east end. 

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