 vivek jena CC On Dating (And Breaking Up) in Your Twenties Dear twenty-something woman entering the dating world, I am writing to you in between five-dollar mimosas and bites of a bacon, spinach, and cheese omelet at the restaurant my sorority sister works at. I am two drinks in, waiting for my third, and I’m pissed about my romantic life because drinking makes me think too much and when I start thinking I cannot stop. My friend sits across from me, and we are both doing some writing and drawing doodles while simultaneously discussing our recent dating lives—or lack thereof. We are mostly discussing the struggle of meeting any decent people in college and in the city of Wilmington—the city which we are doomed to until we graduate and are let off the leash of academia—which has inspired me to write this letter to you. I believe there are only a few ways to meet people as an undergraduate student in your twenties—if you know more, please reach out to me.
I don’t know if you will find what you are looking for in college. Most people don’t. In fact, only 28% of college graduates end up marrying their college partner—my DIVORCED parents being a part of that percentage. You might find the person who wakes you up in the morning with a kiss on the head or you might find a person who will kick you out the night before because they have an 8 a.m. class the next morning. It’s cool either way because you’re supposed to play it cool in your twenties. Don’t fall too hard or fast because you most likely will not marry that person anyway. You are probably still caught up on your high school boyfriend because his mom won’t stop commenting on your Facebook posts, causing you to remember you loved his family more than you actually loved him and DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS? YOU ARE TWENTY-SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE. I have learned a few things about relationships thus far, such as: just because you have a decent first date does not mean you will have a good relationship (boys are only putting up a front so that you will go home with them); staying with somebody because you are simply comfortable is not a reason to stay (know the difference between love and attachment—I personally do not know it yet); and, it's better to just stay single than to stay with a boy who doesn’t see value in you (I believe everyone has a soulmate. Maybe even more than one). Do NOT waste your time trying to make a boy better or waiting for him to become better. Settling will only make you weaker and boys take advantage of weak women. When you finally meet the person who you think might be the one, you might tell all your friends about them and suddenly get ghosted. This is OK. Shit happens. And it’s not you. REALLY. It’s THEM. Every time. You are never a problem, and you are never asking too much. You have simply just chosen somebody who didn’t understand what “enough” was. You must ask yourself constantly: what do you want? What is going to be best for you? I WANT TO MEAN SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY. IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK? No. It is never too much if it is right for you. Yes, we all want to be more than a one-night stand or a “nice ass.” We all want somebody to take care of us, damn it! My friend sits across from me still, and sparks a new topic: “situationships.” The term “situationship,” according to Urban Dictionary, is when two people start a relationship but do not label it, in order to avoid making things serious. This is bullshit. So this is what “dating” looks like in your twenties: …we’ve been seeing each other for a while now and we’re not technically dating, and we’ve never established that we’re exclusive, but we’re only seeing each other. I sleep in your bed every night, or you’ll sleep in mine, and we lay skin to skin and kiss “goodnight” but we’re not dating. You know everything about me like what every inch of my skin looks like and how important Taylor Swift is to me, and I know your favorite football team and the brand of your underwear because I watch you take them off every night, BUT we absolutely are not dating. Sometimes you like to kiss my forehead and whisper secrets in my ear and tell me how badly you need me in your life, but I don’t say it back because we’re not dating. The worst part of all of this is that I am in love with you, and I think you are with me but neither of us can say it because we're not dating because dating in your twenties is “difficult.” So instead of begging you to love me and show me common decency, I take what I can get, like sleeping naked on your chest every night and eating the scrambled eggs you cook for me in the morning. I’ll walk right past you on campus or at work and pretend like I don’t know what behind your ear smells like or the brand of toothpaste you use because people don’t need to know that I sleep in your bed because we are NOT dating. That is a situationship and it is like that until one person decides to tragically end it. The best part about dating in your twenties—and this is subjective—is breaking up. It’s like a revelation. It’s like finally seeing things with clarity, like drinking water after running a marathon, or a sip of alcohol after a really freaking long week. The fresh haircut, the new set of nails, the shopping spree, giving your number out at the bar, finally spending more time with your girlfriends, writing, singing, dancing, just having fun again. Yes, breakups ARE difficult, but you have to find peace in the little things like finally having the bed to yourself so you can pick any TV show you want—for me it’s Bob’s Burgers and Bridgerton. That’s the best part of the relationship; when you realize you are no longer TIED DOWN because you never needed that person as much as you originally thought you did. But this is only if the relationship was previously draining you, much like the relationships that I have experienced, because like I said, these are all immature boys who are not ready for mature relationships (I may just have bad taste). You are not pasta water; you should never let a boy drain you. Even better than the post-breakup-clarity, is realizing you have a support system waiting for you. When I went through what I thought was the worst breakup of my life—I’m sure there will be more, and I am sure they will be worse—I was surrounded by women who would never get tired of hearing me rant and cry. Women who brushed my hair and cooked me dinner; women who binged watched reality TV with me while we ate our weight in popcorn and finished double bottles of wine; women who held back my hair after one-too-many post break-up dirty shirley’s at the bar; and women who would say things like “he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” and “he will regret this.” But most importantly, I was surrounded by the women who told me “You should never let a man drain you, and if he does, then he is not yours.” This was all happening while I was dodging calls from a contact called “DO. NOT. ANSWER.” (I answered most of the time anyway because I thought I loved him). The best advice I can give you now is to choose the people who choose you. You should NEVER have to beg somebody to love you. When you experience a break-up, you don’t even realize that you have friends hiding in plain sight. The girls in my English class who wanted to take me out to coffee or the ladies in my publishing lab who rubbed my back while I cried before class. The girls at work who soiled my ex’s name in the work Facebook group. The girls in the bathroom who, in between slurred words, told me how I deserve better—which I ALWAYS knew. I honestly don’t know much. I do know that my dad found love again at fifty. I know that my mom fell more in love with HERSELF when she became single after twenty-eight years of marriage; the two of them are the happiest I've ever seen them. You may not find love now, in your twenties, but it's out there, and it is waiting for you. Trust me, the 5’6'' business major you met in the dining hall is NOT the love of your life. The love of your life is a man you can confidently stand beside while wearing high heels—or maybe that is just the love of mine. Do what you will with this information, whether you use my advice or not, it's OK, either way: I am drunk. Best regards, Twenty-something woman who is boycotting dating.  Sarah Grace Hook is a senior at The University of North Carolina Wilmington. She will graduate in May with a BFA in creative writing and a certificate in publishing. She writes themes of humor within mental health. In her free time, she enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with her nephew.
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