poet in the market square by Pamilerin Jacob

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​poet in the market square

i tell my brother, i can see ghosts i say, my eyes are dice gambling my nightmares i tell my sister, i can predict the future i say, tomorrow you will find blood in the sink i have built a relationship with a razor i know the right places to cut…
my brother plucks a rib from my chest builds an ark, says my madness is a flood eating up the family name. what is in a name but denial what is denial but to tie the tongue into a knot & hang a child for seeing ghosts i tell my father, i think i can speak in tongues now  i think my screams are angels trapped in my throat struggling to find melody  i think the deliverance worked i don’t cut anymore, now i slash, i slash my knees as though cutting grass, i think the deliverance worked last night while combing my hair, earthworms fell out & i caught them midair  & stuffed my mouth with them, like spaghetti

i have an ulcer of the mind an ulcer so deep, it sucks up light  i am trapped in a body eating itself like a snake swallowing its own tail i am tired of eating my voice because it makes you uncomfortable father   during the deliverance the ghosts say amen father during the deliverance they dance around me father how do i tell you i need a psychiatrist without a volcano pouring out of your mouth where does one hide an illness, that lives in a sentence

when i say, the test was nice i mean, my script was soaking wet with tears & sweat i mean, the pen was so heavy i could only write my name i mean, while writing my name I saw the letters leap off the paper like butterflies & i was chasing them all through till the lecturer said time’s up
when the praise leader says, with the holy ghost, there is no room for depression i want to ask him why he was crying last night why he cries every night why he curses god every night in his sleep but ok whatever

i have a needle stuck in my tongue my words come out wounded
but how do i see a therapist / when you all are holding whips / ready to beat stigma into my skin / because i ache different 

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Pamilerin Jacob is a young Nigerian poet & mental health enthusiast. He writes to ease internal turmoil & also to shed light on the stigma surrounding mental illness. He is the author of Memoir of Crushed Petals (2018) & forthcoming chapbook, The Depression Gospels (2018). Pamilerin lives in Sango-Ota, Ogun State, Nigeria. He is a staunch believer in the powers of critical thinking, Khalil Gibran’s poetry & chocolate ice cream

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