Poetry by Alyssandra Tobin

               ​Frerk Meyer CC



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I Complete My First Obsessive Compulsive Test with My Doctor Who Wants Me to Have Only the Cutest Thoughts & Urges


HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME IS OCCUPIED BY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?

At the zoo my favorites are red pandas. Tiny creatures who tumble and soft. Put them on a mug, a tee shirt, a lunchbox. I imagine hugging one and am rendered tear-edged, mama clutching her fresh baby. There has never been anything wrong with me. I wake up and go to sleep same as you or anyone.

HOW MUCH DO YOUR OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS INTERFERE WITH YOUR WORK, SCHOOL, SOCIAL, OR OTHER IMPORTANT ROLE FUNCTIONING? 

I’m digging a tunnel that goes back to when Shrek was in theaters       2001        What bliss   
                    Even             as babies                we got so hopped   up  on war     
Margie’s dad    
                    with his arms white                    with bandage       Boys 

in the cafeteria 
chanting SADDAM INSANE SADDAM INSANE SADDAM INSANE

HOW MUCH DISTRESS DO YOUR OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS CAUSE YOU?

                                             what ill will lies in my belly      my whole body turning against me with
tremors and flashes                 I am capable of the outdoors   trees don’t always bother me

HOW MUCH OF AN EFFORT DO YOU MAKE TO RESIST THE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS?

oh well i don't see me going anywhere            anytime soon
it’s all indoors or bust                                sleep until noon

who will stop me besides my cat           who needs fooding 
me i don't need no food            nah 

i used to            sure       but that was different times 
weaker times                     less valiant times. 

now i stay indoors and the lightbulbs go out      one by one 
soon it’ll be just dimness then darkness                         when the sun really gets lost

if a man came into my house & told me how to treat my cat
i’d say okay      but do you even know her?

& he wouldn't & that'd be that
if i get outside my house            will i take a mysterious illness & die 

okay & so what do you want me to do 


HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND PERFORMING COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS? 

I am flush      with the kinda joy you get     when you think your neighbor   is gonna kill you     &
then doesn't   cold breath of release       sirens in the street attending to some other body’s   
removal as mine just stoops & dodges    I hallucinate washing machine sounds         If my
apartment had a washing machine       then it would feel like home     I'd keep it running       &
pulse to zipper on metal     to button in drum      to water filling then fleeing


HOW FREQUENTLY DO YOU DO RITUALS?

her being a Rasional woman   before shee was so handled 
her now present condision         all that know her 
can testafy to the truth             shee yet remaines a miserabl creetr 

under a strang distemper & frensy        uncapibl of any rasional action 
her distemper supernatural         & no siknes of body 
but that some evil person had her       thay swabbed her body


HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF PREVENTED FROM PERFORMING YOUR COMPULSIONS?

As a kid I thought can openers could kill me. Stupid, yeah? Now I know one day it’ll be god who kills me/ maybe through the hand of the billions/ maybe through stray virus/ maybe through sourceless fire/ a grief so big/ an angry mob/ my boss on a bad day/ me on a bad day/ falling trees/ no oxygen in the room/ a teen with a gun/ a horse’s hoof/ a cruel man’s hand/ the weight of a car/ a lover’s anger/ mouse shit/ no helmet/ cellular betrayal (that’s cancer, babe!)/ heart has no valves/ traffic sans pauses/ strange beasts/ mafioso/ tornado/ desert island/ sharp scream/ spontaneous combustion/ no way down the mountain/ runaway cart/ drawn & quartered/ collapsing cave/ sword blade/ poorly constructed ship/ hammer to the forehead/ second hand smoke complications/ an attack (physical, violent)/ necrotizing fascitis/ joke gone bullshit/ hiding spot discovery/ military of any country/ foodless pantry/ gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot/ tall stairs/ shaky rock/ clog in the veins/ Craigslist exchange/ faulty wires/ asbestos exposure/ chunk in throat/ dog rabid off leash/ birth pain/ lane change/ poison in the blood/ serial killer on the run/ brain filled with holes/ curse of the phaoroh/ undiscovered allergy/ suicide prevention hotline/ mercury ingestion/ five foot long saw/ pit of snakes/ meteor shower/ excess water/ nonstop laughter




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Alyssandra Tobin's chapbook, PUT EYES ON ME NOT LIKE A CURSE, is forthcoming from Quarterly West in 2022. Her poetry will or does appear in New Ohio Review, Poetry Northwest, Puerto del Sol, elsewhere.

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