Poetry by Audrė Gruodytė

     Phil Dolby CC




Dream


in the beginning

there was

Light


the first man


the only man
i

ever

Loved


gagging

tossing

turning

screaming

it’s salty

makes me thirsty


go ahead

drink some


sweat and tears

my 

sweat and tears

potion of reality

always resurrected You to vitality


You died.

i knew. 

i woke up screaming and kicking.


You died.

i knew

You will never have a chance to

play

choke

suck (up)

lay

lie

fuck (up)

(with) me


You died 

i

choked

too red

and sweet

too salty

is this strawberry or meat?

go ahead and eat


noxious 

strawberry 

with nails in it

my nails?

tried to protect or

kill me


patient in suffering or

suffering patience

any second now

every second

You promised

change


bones

leftover nails

trace of tears

the earth

that carries you in it

i dig a hole

and plant strawberries in it


I had a dream that you died

crying and kicking

only to wake up

with my nails dirty

i am 

thirsty


from reality


something keeps trying

but I’m not

killed 

not yet


Passion

like the deepest red of a strawberry 

Destined to rot

secretly


dirty nails

my nails

i dig a hole

and plant 

You

in it


You died

simple as that

coffin with nails in it

Your bones 

my sweat and tears


we harvest

strawberries

with nails in it


red or

rotten


You died

i didn’t understand 

in 

a dream

or reality

You died

and I didn’t understand

salty

or sweet


god bring him back

i was the one

that had to kill him


god bring him back

be careful now

You might end up sacrificing yourself

just like being with him


i gag

kick 

toss

turn

i run

and rime

in a dream


pillow bumps 

like dirt bumps

inconvenient 


for the coffin

Your coffin.

am I coughing?

Spitting out dirt with strawberry nails in it


You kept trying

I wasn’t killed 


I strived

to thrive


in the meantime

You died


in the beginning

there was

nothing


let there be light


You died and I felt sick

You died and 

the sun was shining 

for a week
​





Feminine evening


Cupcakes or pepper spray

Does not really matter

When a guy you like is most likely gay


Cupcakes or pepper spray

A man in the elevator alone

Is a threat to you any given day


Cupcakes and pepper spray,

A teenage boy and a young woman

A teenage boy in a young woman’s

Body

Vital serum 

Poison


Or chemical X


sugar

and spice


No thank you for everything nice

Nice, sweet, pleasant, tasty

Is it me

Or a cupcake


I ate that cupcake 

Like you ate me

In a similar way

I am not sure is it sexual

I personally do not want to be consumed

Can’t speak for that cupcake


Sex 

with fear

out of fear

without fear

Will my boundaries

Will my body

Be. 

Still.

Do not move.


Violated?


Bitter and sour

My skin

It tricked you

It smelled like a cupcake

Bitter and sour

My face?

No, a pepper spray


Bitter and sour

Or you thought I will taste like a cake

It did not matter to you

You still ate me like a cupcake

The way I gave you a sugar rush

You gave me shivers and tears

Sugarless, bitter, empty

Like my pepper spray


You consume all


Only a paper left

It’s no difference to you

A girl or a cupcake

My only hope is your fatal death from diabetes

​
Pepper cupcake

Cupcake spray

Spread your legs

You say


I wish to have more choices than death or pepper spray


I wish for cupcakes

But get seen as prey

Spread your legs 

Or pepper spray


We end up meeting at night

Somewhere between pepper and spray

I don’t want to be alone 

that has to 

pray


We end up meeting at night

Beneath the dying stars

You and me


Who will die

You or me

​


Audrė is from Kaunas, Lithuania. She is a philosophy PhD student, researching violence, sexuality, and monstrous bodies. She is a cultural vagabond and a nomad. She embraces pop feminism, allowing her poems to express a desiring subject which is a woman. Not an easy task coming from a former Soviet-occupied country. She loves the mundane in madness and madness in mundane. She writes in various cultural press in Lithuania, her poems were published by Phi Magazine and Samfiftyfour. She currently writes and resides in Berlin.
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