Poetry By Eileen Tull

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GAME OVER

What I shouldn’t say is that I want to drink again.

I should say strong thing and other strong thing and resilient thing and broken but strong thing. I should say life is a gift. I should say gratitudes and platitudes and gotta keep a good attitude, barricade the sadness too

I should say things that people want to hear
I should say things that make me feel good
Broken brain, exposed wire kind of brain, busted pinball machine kind of brain
Shoving useless quarters in the slot kind of brain
That’s what I’ve got kind of brain
That’s all I’ve got kind of brain
No tradesies
This is the one they gave me

I should say nice things to myself
Instead of constantly picking at scabs
Building towers of mashed potatoes
Compulsion
I should say nice things to myself
Nice thing, sweet thing, your ideas are so neat thing
Kind thing, calm thing, soothing, loving balm thing
But compulsion kicks in
And I get tired of wrestling
I get tired of healing myself
I get tired of this busted down pinball machine
Where only one of the flippers works sometimes
She’s a waste of quarters

And then I remember
I remember what can bring me back down to earth 
Or is it that it’ll lift me up

Who knows who cares what direction I’m going in 
All I know is one drink could do it 
And it would all come rushing back
The calm the joy so much relaxation that you don’t even have to hold your own head up 
Release that tension in your neck rag doll and go limp
Two drinks
And you’re loose and funny you’re finally funny again 
Three drinks
It’s even better than you remember
Grounded, calm, and funny at least to yourself
It doesn’t matter what other people think
Four drinks
You’d forgotten how good you are at drinking 
And keeping your cool
You’re so cool again
Five drinks maybe six seven eight who’s counting
You can give up control again
As you slide into the blackout
Like slipping back into a nice warm bath
That someone else drew up just for you for a change
No more taking care, repairing, building up this life
It’s the surrender
Everything is back to working just fine
This is how it should be
Game over



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​Eileen Tull (she/her) is a writer, performer, and teacher based in Chicago. Her writing has been published online by Grim & Gilded, Empty Mirror, First Literary Review (East), Literature Today Journal and Scout & Birdie, among others. Eileen’s poetry has been included in the following books: The Art of Being Human Vol. 9, The Art of Being Human Vol. 10, and Veils, Halos & Shackles: International Poetry on the Oppression and Empowerment of Women. She recently self-published her first poetry collection, 33 Poems About Peanut Butter, on Amazon. As a storyteller and theatre artist, her work has been seen across the country in San Francisco, New York City, Cincinnati, Dallas, and all over Chicago. www.eileentull.com, Instagram: @Eileen.Tull, Twitter: @tullie23