On Jealousy—or am I just tired?
I have a dream that my twin sister is on the back of a motorcycle that I am driving up-hill, but I do not know how to drive a motorcycle, both in the dream and in real life, and my sister, who is around 6 months old in the dream, tumbles off the back of the motorcycle, a trail of blood rolling down the hill after her baby-body. I wasn’t clear here. I should mention that my twin sister is not my twin sister, but instead, my sister who is also the twin of my other sister who is her twin. My twin from the dream asks me to do her hair and I say yes, but what I want to say is I haven’t been sleeping well and I really don’t have the time and why can’t you ask your twin? I am not a twin. I have seven brothers and sisters and inside of that there are two sets of twins, but these twins are probably my favorite siblings, except you are not supposed to have favorite siblings. It’s hard because they are my favorites, but they are twins so they are also their favorites, and I will never be a twin. When the twin from the dream was a baby, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that caused a platelet deficiency, and sometimes, she would just be covered in tiny bruises and other times she and her twin would wake covered in her immunocompromised twin-blood. I wonder if that is the cause of the dream or if I just wish that I had someone that would always share my blood, be willing to wake each morning covered in my blood. I will cut and dye the hair of my twin sister who is not my twin sister, but instead, my sister who is also the twin of my other sister who is her twin. I will wish that I had just been honest and said, I haven’t been sleeping well and I really don’t have the time to not be a part of twins but still try to be a part of twins, while I try not to cry as I try not to think about the dream where she tumbles off the back of the motorcycle, a trail of blood rolling down the hill after her baby-body
Emily Perkovich (she/her) is from the Chicago-land area. She is the Editor in Chief of Querencia Press and on the Women in Leadership Advisory Board with Valparaiso University. Her work strives to erase the stigma surrounding trauma victims and their responses. She is a Best of the Net nominee, a SAFTA scholarship recipient, and is previously published with Harness Magazine, Rogue Agent, Coffin Bell Journal, and Awakenings among others. She is the author of the poetry collections Godshots Wanted: Apply Within (Sunday Mornings at the River), The Number 12 Looks Just Like You (Finishing Line Press), baby, sweetheart, honey (Alien Buddha Press), & Manipulate Me, Babe—I Trust You (forthcoming, GutSlut 2023) as well as the novella Swallow. You can find more of her work on IG @undermeyou
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