Poetry by Kayla Mroch

                spablab CC




​Virgin, Slut, Whore, Nice Girls Don’t Kiss Boys Like That

     1.   You’re twenty-one and the first man is Hungry. I mean Hungry feels like a low-flying panic attack to be around. I mean gun under the 
             couch. I mean people coming and going. I mean bricks in the corner. 

You’re standing kissing in the trees at the edge of the party. I mean the car is right there. I mean the keys are in your hand. I mean you’re a virgin. 

You’re laying on the bare mattress in the back bedroom of the frat house. I mean you’re higher than your heart rate. I mean you’re on your period. I mean you’re hiding your virginity. I mean you said it so quietly. I mean your face was in the pillows. 

You’re still bleeding and it’s not your period. I mean you’re panicking. I mean you’re reading about blood loss. I mean you can’t tell anyone. 

You’re at the gynecologist’s. I mean you’re embarrassed. I mean you tell her most of the truth. I mean she says you’re fine. 

You’re in class and you can feel Hungry’s eyes on the back of your skull. I mean you instigated. I mean you asked for it. I mean you went over there. 

You’re home and you can’t eat. I mean you’re shaking. I mean you can’t tell anyone. I mean a month later. I mean you’re losing weight. I mean your period is late. 

You’re in the campus library. I mean fourth floor bathroom. I mean you’re taking your first pregnancy test. I mean you take two. 

You’re in the student center. I mean you’re getting a sandwich before your night class. I mean the pregnancy tests were negative. I mean you can eat again. 

You’re not pregnant so you start panicking about STDs. I mean you go to the campus clinic. I mean three times. I mean you’re fine. I mean that the doctor is getting sick of you. I mean she gives you antidepressants. I mean you don’t take them.

You’re starting therapy. I mean she’s great. I mean her name is Samantha. I mean you’re seeing a guy. I mean he’s Lonely. I mean you met him through Hungry. I mean he doesn’t know. I mean it’s only going to end. I mean in ruin. I mean you can’t stop crying. I mean you’ve cried in every building on campus. 

You’re listening to albums on repeat like they have answers. I mean SZA only. I mean CTRL is the album of your entire college experience. I mean there will never be another. I mean, come on. 

       2.   You’re in a show. I mean you’re a theatre major. I mean so is Hungry. I mean he’s on the crew. I mean Lonely is a singer. I mean       
               choral. I mean talented. I mean he sees two of your three performances. 

You’re on spring break. I mean it’s date night. I mean you’re spending every day together. I mean Amelie is on but you’re both on the bed. I mean no one is watching. I mean Lonely’s obsessed with you. I mean when you ask if he’s seeing anyone else he gets weird. I mean angry. I mean you say sorry. 

You’re driving through Houston. I mean you met up at Whole Foods. I mean Lonely loved grocery shopping with you. I mean you got tacos after. I mean he said he wanted to spend every moment with you.

You think you’re in love. I mean you open up. I mean he’s suddenly too busy now. I mean it’s a lie. I mean he’s cancelling dates. I mean he’s avoiding you. I mean you don’t know why.

Your therapist tells you to start taking your meds. I mean she’s legally not allowed to. I mean thank god she did. I mean you’re spiraling. 
Lonely breaks it off. I mean in your car. I mean you feel relieved. I mean you miss him more than anything. I mean you’re crazy, right? I mean he didn’t love you right? I mean you fuck A Friend. I mean you feel nothing.

You and Lonely don’t speak for a month and then you’re fucking all summer. I mean you meet his friends. I mean he cries a few times. I mean he needs help. I mean he’ll never get it. 

You start dating within the friend group. I mean you fuck Sorry. I mean you still fuck Lonely too. I mean you’re bored so you get mean. I mean vindictive. I mean you’re a cheat. I mean you like it. 

You finally feel guilty. I mean you break Sorry and Lonely off. I mean it’s a new semester. I mean you land a new role. I mean you start fucking Oops. I mean Sorry finds out. I mean the friend group breaks you off. 

You’re making money. I mean you start a new job. I mean you have new friends. I mean Oops is now your lover. I mean he loses his friends. I mean he breaks up with you. 

You’re off work and your coworker takes you to a curve in Mahoney road to look at the stars. I mean he’s Sad. I mean you think he’s going to kiss you. I mean you drive around all night just talking. I mean banana ice cream. I mean he plays Coldplay. I mean who listens to Coldplay? I mean you should’ve known. 

You’re back with Oops because you can’t be alone. I mean Sad moves in with a girl. I mean Sad and the girl just started dating. I mean Oops breaks up with you again.        

       3.    You’ve just finished a choir concert. I mean you’re twenty-two. I mean the Girl You’re Not Seeing invites you out. I mean you meet
               her baby daddy’s brother. I mean his ex has your name. I mean the connection is instant. I mean unheard of. I mean joined at the hip.
               I mean finishing each other’s thoughts. I mean gonna get married. I mean I love you at two weeks. 

The Brother dumps you over text. I mean while you’re working. I mean he’s met your mother. I mean the sex was bad. I mean you two were always drunk. I mean his family would have killed each other. I mean he wouldn’t get a job. I mean he didn’t have a car. I mean he was a liar. I mean he went back to the ex with your name. 

Oops has good shoulders. I mean you cry on them. I mean you bite them when he fucks you. I mean you’re not together. I mean Lonely can’t quit you. I mean you fuck Oops and Lonely all spring. 

Oops wants to get back together. I mean you say no. I mean you have a threesome with Sad and his girlfriend. I mean he says he just wanted to be able to fuck you. 

You meet another Vegan. I mean you start fucking him too. I mean you have four men in rotation that summer. I mean you’re looking for more. I mean you’re insatiable.

You’re breaking them off. I mean you’re twenty-three. I mean they’re forgetting about you. I mean Sad fingers you in your brother’s car. I mean he’s leaving his girlfriend. I mean not for you. 

Vegan is getting weird. I mean he says you’re hurting his feelings. I mean he says you’re getting clingy. I mean you break it off. 

Oops is graduating. I mean you say goodbye. I mean he’s a good person. I mean Lonely starts ignoring you. I mean he asks about your antidepressants. I mean if they work.            

     4.    You’re less than a year from graduating. I mean you want to drop out. I mean you’re barely making it to class. I mean it’s almost   
             Halloween. I mean you fuck Lonely and Sad in the same weekend. I mean you get your nipples pierced on a Tuesday night. 

It’s almost Thanksgiving and you’re in the third floor theatre bathroom. I mean you take a pregnancy test. I mean it’s positive. I mean you’re gonna abort it. I mean you’re keeping a list of baby names. I mean you tell your mom. I mean you don’t know who the father is. I mean you call it Pip. 

You tell Sad. I mean you say you don’t want anything. I mean you’re in a parking lot. I mean he gets in his car and drives away without a word. 

You tell Lonely. I mean he says ok, let’s figure this out. I mean you’re shocked. I mean you invite him to the ultrasound. I mean you’re ten weeks pregnant. I mean the doctor says it died at eight. I mean I don’t know what to mean. 
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You go out drinking that night with Lonely. I mean he’s a fucking idiot. I mean you are blasted. I mean you cry out in the cold. I mean he’s kind. I mean he takes you back to his place. I mean you puke in his bathroom. I mean he sits on the floor with you and says you’re forever connected by this. I mean he’s in love with a prettier girl with your name. I mean this is the second time that’s happened. I mean he kicks you out. I mean he doesn’t check on you. I mean a month later and you never speak again. I mean on campus you see him every day. I mean you don’t know him. I mean you’re strangers. I mean you’re lovers with your clothes on.




Kayla Mroch is a graduate student studying publishing. She has been published in Scar Tissue Magazine, Heroica, Anti-Heroin Chic, Charm Magazine, and Boots and Babes Quaranzine. She lives in Texas with her family.
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