Poetry by Neve Doyle

              Lauren Gardenbelle Fritts CC




The Mountain of Healing

Healing is not something that comes easy to me,
Like a bandaid on the top shelf 
that I can't quite reach.
I spend so much time imagining
what my future could be like.
My life thus far has been a tornado of trauma,
of hurt,
Of self destruction.
It's hard to remember that I can 
build my life the way I want to,
A brick house where each brick 
is made of a lesson learned along the way.
Right now,
All that's on my mind is the 
pain running through my veins,
The urges of self destruction
 building up in my chest.
I am a balloon getting filled with air,
And at any point I could explode.
But I have made it through this before.
I have spent my whole life climbing mountains
And then falling my way back down.
The task of healing,
Of moving past all of this trauma and hurt,
Is guarded by metal barbed wire gates.
Only I hold the key.
If only it was a physical key,
One I could dig around my room to find,
But it's not.
This key is only obtained by letting go.
Letting go of the past that haunts me,
Letting go of constant need to destroy my body,
Letting go of the pain.
I need to surrender.
I can't fight the feelings anymore, 
I can't numb myself anymore.
I need to surrender and let the tornado come.
It may destroy the town inside my mind,
But that's when I rebuild.
It's time to build that brick house,
Piece by piece,
Lesson by lesson,
And even mistake by mistake.
It's okay that my journey isn't 
all rainbows and butterflies,
But mostly thunderstorms of tears and screams.
It's okay.
It's okay to believe that I deserve to let myself heal.
It's okay to let myself heal.
I'm going to climb that mountain again.
Who knows if I'll make it to the top this time,
But what I do know is that I'll keep climbing every time I fall.





One Year of Living

It's been one year since I last tried to remove myself from this world.
One year without hurt so intense that I can't control myself.
That's not to say I don't hurt anymore,
That the thought of suicide never enters my mind.
But lately,
The world has seemed a little brighter.
The sun shines a little bit stronger.
Now that I don't want to die,
Living a real life is so much more appealing.
Before,
I wasn't really living.
Not just because of all the appointments,
All the hospitalizations,
And my life revolving around my illnesses.
Because it's impossible to live when all you think about is not living.
And as terrible as it was -
Terrible doesn't even begin to explain it -
I wouldn't take back that time of my life in a second.
Sure,
Time was wasted,
But now I can appreciate the time I have so much more.
I can appreciate life so much more.
I watched a video of a man seeing colour for the first time.
And that's exactly what this is like.
I no longer see the world in hues of black and white,
But as a place full of colour,
Full of light,
Full of beauty.
I still feel hopeless sometimes,
Still want to sleep the day away sometimes,
Still want to do things to take the pain away,
But not in the same way.
Because I know that given how much I've grown in the last year,
I can grow even more.





A Eulogy for my Eating Disorder

What I say:
 
"Eating disorder,
We have a lot of memories together.
Remember being seven years old and weighing yourself on the Wii fit every day in secret?
Remember that time over Christmas break in grade ten where you made me purge 
For one of the first times, which then spiralled into everyday?
Fun, right?
Remember when I passed out in my room and when I came to, my family was at my door asking what happened, and I told them I tripped?
You wouldn't let me be honest.
Or there were the good ol' times where I would run to the bathroom down the hall after day treatment to get rid of dinner.
Not to mention the countless nights and days spent crying on the bathroom floor,
Or after stepping on the scale,
Or after having over 800 calories,
Or after my mom makes me have two ensures instead of one,
Should I go on?
Notice how there were no good memories?
I don't know why for the longest time I was convinced that you were a good thing,
That you were keeping me sane,
When really you were keeping me insane.
You made me feel like I couldn't live without you,
Like I was nothing without you.
Maybe that's true,
But you've been getting weaker for a long time,
And it's finally time to lower your casket into the ground. 
I'm going to find out if I can live without you.
Thank you for what you've taught me,
For the resiliency you gave me,
For the friendships and connections,
For the passion I have to want to help others,
For shaping who I am today.
I'm hoping I won't miss you for you too long,
That it won't take too long to let go.
But I think this time,
It's really time to say goodbye."
 
What I'm thinking:
I’m ready to let you go,
Ready to bury you seven feet under just to be safe,
But I’m scared of what life will be like without you.
I’m scared of if I’ll be able to survive without you.
You have been with me through it all,
Helping me avoid all the emotions that scared me.
But you weren’t helping me,
you were just telling me you were,
Twisting your words in my brain to make it seem like you were on my side.
All you were doing was making me more miserable each day,
Convinced it was my fault,
That every god damn thing was my fault,
But that’s not true.
But I’m still scared to live without you.
And I’m so excited to live without you.
As I write this,
The excitement is winning,
Thanking god for the fact that I’m never going to have to take twenty laxatives again,
 for the fact that this is going to be my last time going to treatment,
For the fact that I don’t have to purge anymore,
For the fact that I’ll never have to have my day based on what my scales said in the morning 
I’m scared,
But I really want to learn to survive without you.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 
​
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Neve Doyle is a 21-year-old college student in Child and Youth Care who has a passion for spreading awareness around mental health, which often comes out through her writing. Poetry for Neve is not only a hobby, but an outlet as well, and one of her dreams is to share her vulnerability in her poetry in hopes that it will help someone else. On top of writing, she enjoys spending time with her three dogs and cat, doing yoga and spending far too much time on social media avoiding doing school work.

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