Anti-Heroin Chic
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Music
  • Art
  • Comedy
  • About Our Contributors
  • Masthead
  • Issues
  • About our contributors - 2019
  • About Our Contributors - 2020
  • About Our Contributors - 2021
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Music
  • Art
  • Comedy
  • About Our Contributors
  • Masthead
  • Issues
  • About our contributors - 2019
  • About Our Contributors - 2020
  • About Our Contributors - 2021
Search by typing & pressing enter

YOUR CART

​

3/26/2021

Self-diagnosis by Shiksha Dheda

Picture
             ​  Matthias Ripp CC



​Self-diagnosis

​I didn’t get a formal diagnosis.

All I know is that my arms gradually grew tired 
from brushing out the knots in my hair. 
I watched mutely
-a bystander-
as clumps of my black tresses
plummeted to the ground after being yanked 
from my head.
Every time
I finally remembered to 
brush my hair. 
Which wasn't very often.
At all. 

I don't know if I was depressed or not.

I know that I became too tired to go 
to the toilet more than twice
- sometimes once a day-
even when my lower back had a dull pain,
even when I woke up with a puffy face 
(because of protein deposits
linked to urine retention). 

I don't know if I was as depressed 
as the characters they depict in movies and books.
I didn’t feel as sadly pretty as they were. 

All I know was that I suddenly 
became constipated frequently.
Being too physically weak to push.

I don't remember if I was depressed or not. 

I do remember glancing at my teeth 
every other day.
Seeing them slowly turn an ugly yellow
(mimicking the dying yellow chrysanthemums 
in my flower pot),
feeling them move slightly out of place
-wobbling when my tongue pushed against them. 
I didn’t have the will to brush them
more than once a week maybe.

I don't think I am depressed. 

Sometimes I am unable to 
get into the shower at all. 
Every day I make the resolve
and then forget for another week or so.
The shower-head looming frighteningly
-its encased cascading waterfalls threatening 
to submerge me entirely-
not long enough to strangle me,
but long enough to weaken me further.

I don't think I was depressed. 

I sometimes didn't eat
more than once a day.
I was brutally forcing 
the morsels down my throat
-sometimes for hours on end-
 as though my body was 
rejecting nourishment. 

I don't think I am depressed. 

But sometimes,
sometimes my throat is parched 
from hours without hydration.
I cough and wheeze
and choke on air.
I still don't drink anything
(for a few more hours at least). 

I don't think I am that depressed.

I feel like a child.
One that must learn to walk.
All over again.
Almost as though I have 
forgotten how to. 

Where do I begin?

How I do start to learn how to live?

​
Picture
Shiksha Dheda is a South African of Indian descent. She uses poetry(mostly) to express her internal and external struggles and journeys, inclusive of her OCD and depression roller-coaster ventures. Mostly, however, she writes in the hopes that someday, someone will see her as she is; an incomplete poem. 

Her work has been featured (on/forthcoming) in Mixed Mag,  The Daily Drunk, Visual Verse, The Kalahari Review, Brave Voices, Glitchwords,  Versification, and elsewhere. Twitter: @ShikshaWrites

​


Comments are closed.

    Author

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

    Archives

    December 2024
    November 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    March 2023
    December 2022
    October 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.