Still by Jude

​Still 
​
Be still.
Be. still.
Best to be still
beast be still
But it gnaws 
There’s a place behind my breastbone 
Tight and knobby 
Worn smooth like river rock 
It conspires against stillness
Remember 
The calm it brought
Not a fucking person has been there for me like those pills 
Prescription for stillness
I don’t care if it’s wrong
Script me still
The sickness between is like the tide rushing out 
Burroughs thought cells regenerated
Not a soul knows the truth
My cells don’t know how to be still on their own 



Jude is a middle-aged woman in the Southeast. From the outside she looks moderately successful and mentally healthy but struggles with addiction, depression, and loneliness. Due to the stigma of these issues she has lived a duplicitous life in order to preserve her career and familial relationships. She is ambivalent about the Internet because it allows her to both feed and address her addictions. Like many, she must remain anonymous.