Anti-Heroin Chic
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Music
  • Art
  • Comedy
  • About Our Contributors
  • Masthead
  • Issues
  • About our contributors - 2019
  • About Our Contributors - 2020
  • About Our Contributors - 2021
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Music
  • Art
  • Comedy
  • About Our Contributors
  • Masthead
  • Issues
  • About our contributors - 2019
  • About Our Contributors - 2020
  • About Our Contributors - 2021
Search by typing & pressing enter

YOUR CART

​

3/26/2021

The Men Are Calling by Mike Keller-Wilson

Picture
                  Steven Pisano CC



The Men Are Calling

Hello?

Hey, kid. It’s us.

I’m sorry, who?

You can’t tell? It’s us, the men.

I see. What’s this about? I’ve got to be getting back. I’m in the middle of a puzzle—well, Jordan and I are. She’s looking at me and kind of raising one eyebrow like she wants to know who I’m talking to. 

That’s why we’re calling, actually.

Because she’s looking at me? Or…the puzzle? I mean, I think we’re good. It’s only 500 pieces. Plus, it’s all these different kittens poking out of flower pots, so you can kind of divide the work into different colorings of kitten fur. Also, I’m not sure you’d be much help, being on the phone and all. Even on speakerphone. Oh, now Jordan’s asking who it is. They say it’s “the men”? I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t catch your names.

You know us, kid. We’re your old gym teachers: How’s that layup, bud? Remember to hit the showers, pansy!

Mr. Colbrees? Mr. Stimac?

Well, not just them. We’re also your coworkers—you know, the semi-pro fisherman and the former marine with the blue lives matter tattoo.
How? How’d you get this number?

We’ve always had your number, kid. But we’re not done with the introductions. Here’s your soccer coach, your Tom-Selleck-look-alike podiatrist, your dad’s old boss, the guys from that summer you worked construction, that college roommate you were randomly assigned who used the n-word and LOVED hockey. That backwards-hat bro you randomly befriended in the nosebleeds at a Sox game. Your grad school classmate’s husband, the one with the extra-firm handshake. The ex-principal who hit on your neighbor while she was breastfeeding, your— 

Okay, okay. But why exactly are you calling?

Don’t you get it? All this kitten puzzle crap? The long hair. Hippie. Didn’t you think about painting your nails the other day? When was the last time you looked under the hood of your car? Used a drill? Jesus, boy.

How do you know all this? Why do you care?

How could we not know? How could we not care? You’re us, kid. We’re you. These things get back to us, one way or another. It reflects on all of us.

I’m sorry. I don’t understand. What do you mean? 

Jesus, was he always this dense? Get the kid. Let’s put him on the line.

What is this?

What is this? It’s an intervention, boy. You cried for help and here we are. Ah, here’s the kid… Hello?

Hello? Who—? 

No sense playing dumb, bud. I know you better than any of these clowns. Don’t you recognize me?

You sound familiar. It’s just...

Just?

Like…

Say it.
​

Like talking to myself.
​

​
Picture
Mike Keller-Wilson lives, writes, and teaches in Iowa City, Iowa. He received his MFA in creative writing from the University of Nebraska-Omaha and has been published in Arcturus Magazine and The Wondrous Real. In his day job, he teaches writing and dad jokes to a captive audience of 7th graders. You can find him on Twitter @Mike3Stars.


Comments are closed.

    Author

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

    Archives

    December 2024
    November 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    March 2023
    December 2022
    October 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.