39 Ways to Kill You, And Not One of Them Kindness We went for brunch at this dive by the pier because we were drunk and it was too early to go to bed and this was the only place open and the line cooks all looked like some greasy Mexican chain gang on a work release program for time served and the owner was a punchy retired prizefighter with 39 ways to kill you and not one of them kindness and the mob was moving shit out the back at a record pace, using the eatery as a front for their many extracurricular activities and when our breakfast came I thought of hacksaws, of bodies being broken down then the waiter that asked if we needed anything else reeked of bacon breath as if I should know why there were only two strips on my plate instead of four and enjoy my eggs over easy and the fact that I was still breathing and not eating toast through a straw like they knew we would both tip well and not be back. Ink Joint Staggering half drunk through downtown Montreal we stumble by this lit up buzzing neon ink joint across from the Pussy House along rue Ste. Catherine and a girl out front with purple hair and many metal studs in her face that remind me of sheet metal who hands me a half soggy pamphlet and tells the missus she can get tattoos and tongue rings and her labia done. I tell her the missus already has tattoos and she shows the girl her tongue ring. That just leaves the goodies, she says, doesn’t hurt a bit, I have mine done. I look back in case she wants to show me. Instead, she flicks her tongue out and it is split down the middle like an overcooked hotdog at a family barbecue. Ryan Quinn Flanagan is a Canadian-born author residing in Elliot Lake, Ontario, Canada with his other half and mounds of snow. His work can be found both in print and online in such places as: Evergreen Review, The New York Quarterly, Word Riot, In Between Hangovers, Red Fez, Horror Sleaze Trash, and Your One Phone Call.
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