Virus by Tanner Muller

Virus

My horoscopes tell me to let go,
Remove the unwanted, and create new impressions. 
To leave the past behind and release the blocks
That have interfered with my progress.

But it’s difficult when you’re so close to me. 
When we share the same space together. 
When I know you’re just in the next room.
When we decide to lay in your bed, embrace in a hug,
And question if that’s still allowed.

Since we broke up, I’ve been craving a sense of winter,
A gentle breeze to caress my face.
I tend to thrive more when there’s a chill on my arms 
And a pair of woollen socks on my feet.

Since we broke up, I’ve been listening to Winehouse again. 
Her heavy words are more compatible 
When your heart is on the mend
And when you just can’t bring yourself to cry.

Since we broke up, I’ve been under reconstruction.
I lost a sense of who I was when we were together.
I became more abrasive, more angered, more linear.
I was infected by patriarchal ideals 
And the virus coursed through my veins.

People began to notice the change 
And they informed me of the signs.
But, I was persistent, and continued to ignore. 
I wasn’t courageous enough to acknowledge them 
In my bubble of love.

Since we broke up, I’m beginning to 
Revisit my old habits of distraction.
Nothing seems to alleviate the pain though
And I always have to remind myself
The fantasies I create are only temporary.

My only form of solitude comes when you’re asleep.
When I sit under the stars, reflect, 
And smoke until my lungs are sore. 
But, even then, you seem to push through the crevices
And invade my thoughts. 

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Tanner Muller is a queer writer and spoken word performer based in Adelaide, South Australia. His work aims to raise voices that often go unnoticed in mainstream society, and explores themes of sexuality, identity and vulnerability. His self-published interrelated collection of stories ‘under/Limelight’ (2020) is available through Amazon Kindle and Apple iBooks. He holds a BA (Honours) degree from the University of South Australia in English and Creative Writing. He can be reached through his site www.tannermuller.com and Instagram: @tannermuller_. 

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